Let’s be real: St. Patrick would have been persona non grata at PETA if we weren’t so whole hog invested in Irish mythos. The guy was an animal abuser way worse than Michael Vick and who really forgives him? Really? Nobody.
Was there really a big snake problem in Ireland? Patrick was the Trump of his day, proposing answers to non-existent problems and then taking victory laps. People forget that his first foray into “public service” was leading the sheep out of Ireland because the priests were abusing them. But people got cold without the comfort of wool (euphemism alert) and the Irish like their lamb don’t ya know. So that left Patrick in a big P.R. hole.
“I know, I’ll rid the lands of a less popular animal that hardly anybody derives sexual pleasure from. Or wool.” — Actual quote from the future “St.” Patrick.
And truth be told (this is a no blarney zone), dumb animals are still being abused because of St. Patrick. You can see them crowd onto the trains on this day each year having abused fashion sense in order to abuse their livers and the good senses of all who have to listen to their ridiculous beer fueled conversations.
Not to mention the green puke that flows through the streets like the shame of Trump voters.
Happy St. Patrick’s Day? Fuck that guy!