Move Over Salt, Sugar and Fat, here comes Caffeine!

Big “food” manufacturing companies like General Foods, Kraft, General Mills, Nestle, Nabisco, etc. have long relied on old favorites fat, sugar and salt to make their chemically laden and extruded “food products” taste, um, good.  

I know what you’re thinking – when you have awesome chemicals like 

  • Polyoxyethylene (40) Stearate
  • Phenethyl Isobutyrate
  • Ammonium Phosphate, Dibasic

why would you even need fat, sugar and salt? That just sounds good already.  But these massive companies have a lot at stake so they gild the lily and add as much fat, sugar and salt as they can jam into a pop tart, hot pocket or Double Stuft Chocolate Dildo Oreo Madness Supreme (trademark and patent pending).

But the do-gooders out there who have constantly harped on whether these great companies have been producing “food” that is “healthy” and “nutritious” and whether they’re consciously addicting us to products that are actually “killing us”, make it harder and harder to compete by forcing arbitrary limits on amounts of fat, sugar and salt they can use.  Since these old stand bys have come under such heat from “doctors” and “public health officials” (who have their own agenda, the anti-fat, sugar and salt lobbys have committed a huge hoax on America with their attacks on these great American tastes), the big companies have had to turn to another American favorite: CAFFEINE.

Heretofore only found in coffees, teas, sodas, energy drinks, and water (Propel Invigorating Water has 50mg of caffeine, it hydrates better than meth!), companies have their food scientists working overtime to figure out what other products we NEED CAFFEINE IN!

But the FDA is, as usual, harshing our buzz.   

Looking for a new way to get that jolt of caffeine energy? Food companies are betting snacks like potato chips, jelly beans and gum with a caffeinated kick could be just the answer.

The Food and Drug Administration is closely watching the marketing of these foods and wants to know more about their safety.

The FDA said Monday it will look at the foods’ effects on children in response to a caffeinated gum introduced this week by Wrigley. Alert Energy Gum promises “the right energy, right now.”

The agency is already investigating the safety of energy drinks and energy shots, prompted by consumer reports of illness and death.

It’s not like the FDA has a problem with caffeine, they looked at it once in the 1950s and approved it for inclusion in colas and it hasn’t changed any since then.  They’re just adding it to a lot more things.  But that’s only fair.  Do you remember supermarkets in the 50s?  There were none.  There were just plain old boring markets (yawn) just like in Russia!! And they had, maybe, milk and toilet paper, that’s it.  Maybe some Brillo pads and a mop.  That’s all they had!  But now the average SUPERmarket offers over 50,000 different products to choose from and the percentage of them that has caffeine is ridiculously low for a great nation like ours.

“Could caffeinated macaroni and cheese or breakfast cereal be next?” said Michael Jacobson, director of the Center for Science in the Public Interest, which wrote the FDA a letter concerned about the number of foods with added caffeine last year. “One serving of any of these foods isn’t likely to harm anyone. The concern is that it will be increasingly easy to consume caffeine throughout the day, sometimes unwittingly, as companies add caffeine to candies, nuts, snacks and other foods. “

God, I hope so.  Don’t we deserve it?  Why should only my coffee make my heart beat so fast I feel like I might die?  Shouldn’t I be able to get that feeling chewing gum or snacking on nuts? This is why Americans can’t eat their vegetables, just too boring.  But if they can jam 100mg of caffeine in some broccoli, you watch health just explode (like our hearts).   

Is there any danger in this?  Sure, like holding a gun to your head.  But that’s a protected right under the 2nd amendment so it’s ALL GOOD.

Last November, the FDA said it had received 92 reports over four years that cited illnesses, hospitalizations and deaths after consumption of an energy shot marketed as 5-Hour Energy. The FDA said it had also received reports that cited the highly caffeinated Monster Energy Drink in several deaths.

The FDA won’t stop until they make us all eat nothing but non-caffeinated tofu.  Isn’t it bad enough that they already took my favorite product off the market

FDA officials said they would take action if they could link the deaths to consumption of the energy drinks, including forcing the companies to take the products off the market.

In 2010, the agency forced manufacturers of alcoholic caffeinated beverages to cease production of those drinks. The agency said the combination of caffeine and alcohol could lead to a “wide-awake drunk” and has led to alcohol poisoning, car accidents and assaults.

“Wide awake drunk” is how I like to be!  That product solved the problem of getting drunk and then falling asleep on your friend’s bathroom floor so you can’t remember what a great time you had!  The FDA nanny staters took that away from us and I won’t take anymore.

To paraphrase a great American, if they inhibit the great “food” companies from creating  supercaffeinated products to sell all over the SUPERmarket I’m gonna start killing people!*


* I may have over caffeinated before writing this.  I apologize in advance. Gotta cut down.

Food Revolution Summit April 27-May 5

Looks like a great resource for nutrition news and apparently it’s all online.  So you can hear great speakers, learn stuff, be empowered to control your health and be sitting in your underwear on your couch.  What could be better?  

Go to and register to view talks by great food people like Dr. Dean Ornish, Dr. Mark Hyman, Mayor Cory Booker, Mark Bittman (NY Times), Dr. Joel Fuhrman.  Sustainability, nutrition, healthy eating, growing, the whole shmear.

I wrote “shmear”. Makes me think of bagels. NO BAGELS! I’ll go get a salad, don’t worry I’ll get over it.